Ike you are going to obedience school to learn your lesson. When you get back you will… 

•  Stop chewing on my new clothes ; because that really upsets me and I don’t like to yell at you . If you don’t like to listen, you will go back!
• Stop eating MY food ; I am a chubby person and I really need that food ya know so please just eat your own. If you try again , I won’t feed you any food for 2 days [ I think that’s safe]. 
• Stop being a Hypochondriac. It is the whole reason you’re in that place you know. 
• And last thank you for saving me. Never leave again . You really are a good dog.